Alive in Your Calling
Have you ever had a day or a week where you were struck with a deep feeling in your bones that you were doing exactly what you were made to do? Trust me, I have a lot of days of doubt. A lot of days where I question if the Lord wants more from me. If he wants me to do this mothering thing, alongside a full-time career. There are definitely moments, days, conversations that make me wonder. Amidst this doubt, I am occasionally hit with the unshakeable feeling that I am exactly where I am meant to be.
There was no big event that happened last week that woke me up to my calling, but it was the stringing along of ordinary moments, like singing at mommy and me class and hosting fun baby play dates at our house that made me realize: I was made for this.
Oh, I Just Stay At Home
Being a stay-at-home mom is a tricky subject. It is tricky because I am fully aware that it is a privilege. Not everyone has a choice. I know there are plenty of mamas that would love to stay at home, but the extra income is a necessity. Or, they are a single mama and their job is the sole income providing for their family. Even as I type this, I sense myself holding back and overthinking the words to say. I really don’t want to step on toes. The main point here is that I am fully aware that we all are living our own stories with our own sets of pressures. I can only really write from where I currently am and that is at home. I feel thankful to be in a position that it is possible for me to stay at home. This is a big deal, and I do my best to not take it for granted.
There is a lot of unspoken misunderstandings between the two camps: working mamas and at home mamas. This makes me sad, but I think there is a lot of internal judgement and comparison. And I think it is absolutely felt on both sides. Again, I can only speak from my perspective, but I feel pretty certain that working mamas struggle with not being able to have the same type of experiences or involvement as those that are at home.
Own Your Story; No Need to Fabricate
On the flip side, SAHMs can feel like they are not doing enough. I have had countless conversations with people (all with good intent) that ask me when or if I plan on going back to work. I know it is unintentional, but this question often feels like a judgement. It often feels like all the work I am doing within the home is somehow not enough. I have found myself in this past year making up stories of intentions of returning to work soon. I find myself telling them about how I had a few substitute teaching jobs last school year, as if they need to know that I am doing more than just staying home.
Especially when I talk to other working moms, I have felt this pressure to communicate my heart of eventually returning to my teaching job. But here is the thing, I am not certain this is where I feel called. I really wish I could own my story better and not feel like I need to fabricate things to connect better to the woman I am speaking to.
Staying At Home IS a Full-Time Job!
Most people can acknowledge that staying at home with kids is a lot of work. While I think a lot of people can recognize the tremendous amount of work and value that comes with being at home with your kiddos, I believe there is still a lot of underlying assumptions. Since we don’t have a typical 9-5, people can easily assume that we are the perfect people to take on x, y, and z.
A stay-at-home mom works many job throughout the day. She’s a nurse, chauffeur, chef, teacher, playmate, housekeeper, laundry attendant, accountant, and babysitter all rolled into one.What Does a Stay-At-Home Mom Do All Day, Apryl Duncan, VeryWellFamily
Again, I am writing this with hesitation because I don’t want to step on toes, but I think there is a lot of truth in this. And it is not a bad thing per se. I feel happy to be in a more flexible position that I can do some extra things I probably would not have been able to do if I was still working outside of the home. The problem is when people assume that we must have the time. This is where I think there is confusion. In a lot of ways, I feel busier than when I was teaching. I feel more on for my one, little toddler, than I did for 100 something students.
A lot of the things that I let slip when I was working, I have fully taken on. When the floors are messy, I feel a lot of responsibility and guilt for not being on it. Since my work is within the home, I feel so guilty when the house feels like a chaotic mess. This is my one job! I should have spotless floors, a fridge fully stocked, and gourmet meals on the table every night. I should be doing all the extra things. I should be on the board of my MOMS Club. I should be the one volunteering to be in charge of the email list for our year-long mommy and me class. I should have a foot in every single ministry at church. I should be reaching out to friends more often and sending them letters of encouragement. I should do more for my husband, I mean he is the one fully providing for us. I should, I should, I should.
Man, typing up the above actually made me really sad. It made me sad because all those things are truly weighing on my heart. Being a SAHM often feels like it is not enough for the world around me and if I’m honest, sometimes I get caught up in believing this lie. But here is the truth the Lord reminded me this week: it is enough and I am exactly where He wants me.
Back to my original question that started off this post: Are you ever struck with a deep sense that you are exactly where you were meant to be? This past week, I felt like I was living out my calling. It was not glamorous and it did not involve fancy meetings or important conferences. Instead, it involved lots of “the wheels on the bus go round and round.” I sang a lot of songs last week with Hudson and I read a lot of the same book over and over and I made lots of snacks. And in this place of singing, reading, and making, I felt alive in my calling. I felt the Lord whispering to me all week: Sweet daughter, you are right where I want you.