Since our New York trip at the end of May, life has felt especially hectic. It has mostly been filled with a lot of good things, but it has felt like we have been bouncing from one thing to the next. From New York to San Francisco to Hawaii in the matter of a few months, it has felt like we have been all over. Along with travel, we have been dealing with big changes related to Hudson. He has been going through a rough teething patch. Along with intense teething, baby boy is walking all over the place. It has been a slow process of small attempts at walking and lots of falling. While it felt like a process, it really seemed to all come together over night. One day he was crawling and stumbling, and the next, he was confidently waking all over our living room, like he owned the place. Time is just going a bit too quickly for this mama.
Our final big thing of the summer is Lance’s work trip to Banff. While this one doesn’t involve me, it has meant a few days with just Hudson Boy. And if I’m being 100% honest, I was not jumping up and down about Lance leaving. I wish I could type here that I was the most supportive wife and that I secretly packed a love note in his bag for him to find and that I lovingly encouraged him to enjoy his time away. I so wish to one day be this type of wife, but currently, I am not quite there. Instead, I was passive and reserved. I made little digging comments like, oh, it must be nice to get away, with all the intentions to make him feel bad. How awful? This trip is for work. He has to go. Yet, in my jealous nature, I made him feel bad about obligations and travel that are out of his control. I hate admitting all this, but it’s the truth and I’m committed to only honesty when it comes to the words I publish on this little blog of mine. While this is where I’m at, I can sense the Lord working on my heart these past few days since Lance has gone away. While two days ago, I was dealing with a heart bent on jealousy and selfishness, now I sense my heart is mostly just grateful. Time away from your spouse can actually be a very good thing. For Lance and I, we do most things together outside of the time he is working. I love this about our relationship. I love how he is so committed to spending much of his outside working time with us. With this; however, comes dependence on him. Lance is such a hands-on and present father that when he leaves, it feels especially hard. All this to say, it can be a good thing to be apart for a few days and be reminded of how much I cherish the time we do spend together. It can also be a very important time to reset and become more dependent on the Lord than my husband. In just the two days Lance has been gone, I have cried out to the Lord for help way more than I typically do. It is easy to become dependent on the people in our lives, but the Lord longs for us to solely depend on Him. While I desperately miss my sweet husband, what a special gift to be reminded of the closeness of the Lord.
I also have sensed this feeling of gratefulness in the time I have gotten to spend with my sister. Hudson and I made the drive to visit her in new apartment in San Diego yesterday and we got back this evening. While it was extra exhausting chasing Hudson everywhere and dealing with him being out of his normal routine, it was a good couple days. It was days filled with Chick-Fil-A ice cream cones, meltdowns in HomeGoods, Mexican food on the beach in Coronado, morning walks to coffee, marching bands and cheerleaders, overfed turtles in the coy pond, and a day at the zoo. By no means was it perfect. I am finding out daily, how things don’t become any easier when you have a toddler. In ways my life feels more crazy now than it did a year ago. I feel more exhausted now, even though I get way more sleep. It is a whole new level of tiredness. Hudson no longer just lays there. He has a mind of his own. He wants to test things and ultimately, he wants to do things his own way. I know this will just increase and things will just get crazier. But here’s the thing, I’m loving it. Not all the time, but mostly I am. I love the crazy. And he does drive me crazy, but he also makes me laugh and he fills my heart with just so much joy. Minus the HomeGoods meltdown and him literally screaming at the top of his lungs for 30 minutes of our 3-hour drive home, Hudson’s craziness filled me with joy. From the way he fell in love with his ice cream cone to the way he became so attached to the animals in the exhibit, that he cried each time we had to say “buh bye.” This boy has his quirks for sure, but don’t we all? It is easy to get frustrated with the crazy, but this little time away with him in San Diego reminded me the beauty in the crazy. With fresh eyes, I was able to see this little boy before me that is incredibly affectionate and sensitive. He longs to make connections whether that be with the little girl a couple years older than him in the line at Starbucks to the meerkats at the zoo. He loved these little meerkats way more than the big, cool animals, like the elephants and lions. And I love this about him. He notices the small things. He loves the exhibits most people rush past. I think we could all learn a thing or two from the way Hudson views the world.
- My attempts at trying to get him to love elephants when what he really wanted was the meerkats!
If you’re still with me, this is what I want you to get out of all of this. 1. Time outside of your normal routine can be a very good thing. It can give you fresh eyes. It can remind you the beautiful life you do have even in the days that feel rather ordinary. It can allow you to make connections with those you don’t typically get the chance to. And even better, it can grow a greater closeness with the Lord. 2. Sisters are the best and I am so proud of mine. I know the above was mostly about Hudson’s craziness, but I loved seeing my sister’s new space. I feel so proud of her and love watching her grow into this amazingly kind, generous & independent lady. I am going to miss her a lot, but the couple days I spent with her showed me that she will be just fine. More than fine, she will thrive. 3. Toddler life is messy and loud and crazy. We are entering a totally different stage with Hudson. And like I have repeatedly mentioned, it’s a bit crazy. Just look at my diaper bag and stained jeans. I don’t have much together. My bag is overflowing with diapers and random half-finished snacks and I can never seem to find my keys. My jeans are covered in the rice and beans Hudson was eating with his hands as he was sitting on my lap. Despite all of the mess and the screaming, there is no place I would rather be.
This Mama Needs Grace 