This mama needs a lot of things. Coffee, patience, rest, gratitude, exercise, time. Amongst those things, the first and most important is Jesus and His abundant grace. I need His new mercies every. single. day. Actually, I need them every single moment. Becoming a mom has shown me a lot about the current state of my heart. It has shown me I am more selfish than I realized. That I have way less patience than I thought. And it has ultimately shown me the really ugly parts of my heart that I have not needed to deal with for a while. Becoming a mother has shown my deep insecurities. It has revealed a heart that is so attached to the approval of humans. It has shown how uncomfortable I am at getting out of comfort zones. It has shown me my longing at being perfect for my own self glory. Before Hudson, I could much better pretend that I had things together. Now I have a 4-month old that is not intuned to my ever present needs to be perceived as perfect. I have lost all control and through this loss I am left with a heart that is full of anxiety, stress, and insecurity. This mama is tired. This mama is burnt out at trying to be perfect. This mama needs grace.
I feel so overwhelmed with this new role of motherhood. While I also have a new type of joy I have never felt before, I also am living through a season where my needs are outweighing my haves. Thankfully I only need one have: Jesus. And I already have Him. He has me. And while I have a mighty long list of needs, I can rest in the knowledge that Jesus knows each of my needs and His love for me remains constant. My prayer is through this blog of grappling through my own ever-present need for Jesus’ abundant grace, that you too can remember that even when it feels like you have nothing together, that God loves you with a crazy love and He showers you with grace in all of your imperfections.