Author: Kelli

motherhood

Mama with the Crazy Child: You Are Not Alone!

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This one is for you mama. 

The one who feels like she most certainly has the craziest, loudest, and messiest child in the world.  You are not alone. I am right there with you.

I know I cannot be alone in this feeling that my son seems to be the only one that is quite as loud or makes quite as much of a mess compared to all the other babies.  It is so easy to fall into this trap of comparison and feel like there must be something wrong with the way we are raising our kids. Here is the thing, sometimes children, especially really little ones, have bad days and it is NO indicator of how good or bad of a parent we are.  

In full transparency, Hudson and I have been having a rough past few days.  Like hitting other babies and throwing sippy cups off gondola rides rough. I can’t make this stuff up.  This is our life. Hudson is not even 16-months old yet and these past few days have felt like we are already in those terrible twos.

It is amazing how I can already see very large glimpses of the type of boy and man I can see him becoming.  And these glimpses are beautiful! I already can see that he is going to be incredibly passionate in whatever he chooses to pursue in his life. This makes me super excited for his future; however, this passionate personality feels a bit overwhelming right now. 

toddler boy with converse shoes standing by tree outside
Look closely! You can see some of the green paint remnants on right side of shirt.

The Green Paint Incident

Last Tuesday, we were at our mommy and me class when the teacher put out paint for the babies to use.  None of the other babies even went near the paint, except for my sweet Hudson. And let’s just say, there was green everywhere.  In his hair, on his shirt, on his shorts, on my shirt, and on my jacket. Then, he started running away with the green paint brush in hand and decided it was time to make other things turn green as well, like the soccer ball and the toy car.  So here I am, chasing this wild baby and wondering, why is he is the messiest and craziest one in this whole class?

The other babies seems to be neatly playing with the play-dough and water tank. They are not covered in green.  The thing with this mindset is that I am zeroing in on particularly tough moments and failing to remember the million, little sweet things he did on that very same day.  In that moment, Hudson was the messy, paint boy, but in the very next, it will be a different little one and I am guessing that mama or dad will feel just the way I did. Let’s give our kids and ourselves a little bit more grace. We all have our green paint kind of days. 

toddler boy waiting for the doctor at the doctor's office
Waiting for the doctor, post-poop everywhere…

The Poop Incident

The story does not end here.  Two days after the paint incident, there was the poop incident.  Hudson had his 15-month doctor appointment. As I took him out of his carseat and started walking up to Dr. Berman’s office, I felt something warm on my arm.  I also smelled something awful. Hudson pooped, but we are not just talking about a normal poop. Something went very wrong and this poop, like the green paint, was everywhere.  On the wall, on my shirt, on his shorts, and on his socks. For the entirety of his appointment, I smelled like poop.  I did not have a change of clothes for either one of us, so Hudson went home in a diaper and I went home in a poopy shirt. Again, here is a moment of feeling like I must be the most unprepared mother with a baby that has the craziest poops. All lies.

The Bus Incident

And the story continues.  On Monday, we went back to the San Diego Zoo. We went to the San Diego Zoo when we visited my sister about a month and a half ago. You can read about that first zoo visit here. This time we went with friends. These friends also have a baby that is a similar age to Hudson.  She is super calm and mellow. And this does not help my head case of feeling like Hudson is the craziest and messiest baby alive.  But here is the thing, they have such different personalities, I simply cannot compare. Hudson will never be the quiet one that can sit still and not say a word, and I am perfectly okay with this.  Again, I love how passionate he is about the world and all the little things in it; however, right now, it feels a tad overwhelming.

Hudson is obsessed with the animals.  It doesn’t matter what type, if it is moving and he sees it, he immediately signs “please” and wants to touch them.  He wants to be up close and personal. He wants to chat with them and see how they are doing. Again, I love this about him, but right now this manifests in him shrieking and screaming when the bus tour we are on drives away from said animal exhibit.  The amount of noises he made on that 40-minute bus ride was rather impressive. And again as I am bouncing him and exerting all the energy I can muster to get him to quiet down, that comparative voice again starts running in my head. I look around at all the quiet and calm babies sitting on their parents’ laps.  Why is my baby the loudest and most active on this whole bus?  

  • toddler boy on gondola ride at the San Diego Zoo with a green sippy cup
    RIP green sippy cup!
  • Love my wild boy so much!

The Gondola Ride Incident

Then, there was the gondola ride, where he threw his sippy cup off the ride.  Thankfully, it landed on a building and it was just his green sippy cup. It could have been much worse; however, this was just another thing that added to my feelings of insecurity at this whole parenthood thing.  Why can’t I seem to control my child?

In between these moments on the bus and the gondola ride, there were also moments where he was super fun and independent.  In the Reptile Walk, he would run from glass exhibit to glass exhibit, with such excitement and enthusiasm. He would point at each animal, smile, and run to say hi to the next one.  These are the moments that I need to hold on to more. These are the times I should be asking: Do I have the cutest, most passionate baby in the whole wide world? Yes, yes I think I do.

Then, there was the dinner, after a long day at the zoo. This exhausted boy who was running and screaming all over the place at the zoo, was sensory overloaded by the time dinner hit.  As I write this, everything is beginning to make sense to me. The amount of energy he exerts throughout the day, often leads to him being a complete nightmare in restaurant settings. As his mom, I need to understand this better and make sure that after a full day I don’t push him beyond his limits. While the other baby could handle it, he is different and it was just too much for him.  

This sums up our past few days pretty well!

The Hitting Baby Incident

I will end with my final example.  This one happened yesterday at this week’s mommy and me class.  It involved a toy lemon and a plastic pan from the toy kitchen. I am not going to even sugar coat it, Hudson used this pan to hit another baby on the arm.  I could type up a bunch of excuses here, but I am owning it instead.

He hit her and he absolutely shouldn’t have; however, it was the reaction of the mom that again put me back in the spiraling head case I have been fighting for over a week. She simply said one word: “wow!”  With that one word and her telling her baby that they should head over to the kitchen, far away from this crazy child and his mother, I felt alone. This is really a story for another post, but as mothers, can we respond to situations in ways that create bridges, instead of further divide?

We Are in this Together

This is a lot of little stories to point to this one fact: we all have bad days, especially little ones, but don’t let the bad days take away from the good ones.  Don’t let the bad, misbehaved moments, take away from the really amazing ones. And this is especially for the mom that has a baby or child with a similar personality trait to sweet Hudson. 

Embrace this passionate side of your child. Yes, it may feel like he is the messiest, craziest, and loudest one on the whole bus, but he or she has a lot of good that they can offer. Learn to tame the wild and put all this energy and passion into good.  Ultimately, the point of all these very honest and raw stories are to be my open hand out to you. We are in this together. You are not alone, mama. If you think you have the craziest, loudest, messiest baby; come over and meet mine.

running

Why We All Need an Off-Season

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Recently I have been writing a lot about motherhood things, but today I would like to spend some time on running.  It has been nearly two months since the marathon, which is a bit crazy to me. Time is moving. In those two months, my running has been very minimal.  I have been very slowly returning to it. I still take a few days off from running per week and have only had two longer runs (10 and 12 miles, respectively) since the race.  And I am totally good with this slow return back to higher mileage and greater intensity.  I am embracing this off-season. I am approaching this topic of the off-season from a running perspective, but the truth is, no matter what we do, we need time to step away from the high intensity of it all.

Just within the past couple weeks I have become more consistent with my runs.  I have mentioned this on here before but I will map out when and how much I will run on Sunday before the week gets going.  Even if it is just me writing down mileage in pencil in my floral planner, you better believe I will hit that mileage.  If it is written, it is happening. It is this type of intensity and commitment that really got me through the tough days of marathon training when I did not have a team or a coach.  

Mother and son in the ocean together.
Recently, I have been doing a lot of this.

Make Adjustments

Two Fridays ago, I adjusted my mileage.  That day I was supposed to run 6 miles.  The run started later than I typically like, and it was already incredibly hot out.  I was pushing the jogger and within my first few steps I could sense it was going to be a bad run.  That first mile is usually a pretty good indicator for me on how the rest of the run will go. In mile one, I already felt so sluggish and weak.  I could have pushed through and ran the full 6. Instead, I listened to my body and in the middle of my park loops told Hudson that we were running home.  I told him that mommy was hot, tired, and weak. I made an adjustment.  

In college, it was all about pushing and proving.  This mentality is something that is still within me.  To some degree, I love this about myself, but there are days where I need to remind myself that I am not a collegiate runner or a pro runner.  I am a mom. I can have days off, days where I run less, days where I just jog. This holding back and listening to my body is hard for me. I am running such low mileage right now without any workouts, and if I am honest, I feel guilty. It feels like I am slacking, and that I should be doing more.

Female runner running in sports bra on running trail.
And not a lot of this.

Make Future Goals

These feelings are rather funny because I literally have no need to run at all. I have no coach or team, but these pressurized feelings that have been placed on running seem to not easily be shaken. And I am okay with this to some degree.  I feel like I still have a lot left in my legs. I want to still push and prove; however, it is just going to look different and there will be more adjustments, especially in these months where the focus is not all about training. I have a few other things on my plate right now that I am prioritizing over miles.

Right now, I am just running to run, but currently trying to figure out a couple races to put on the calendar before Boston!  That is one big, exciting thing that I have not mentioned on here yet. Two weeks ago, Lance and I registered for the Boston Marathon.  This has been the goal motivating me since the spring and it is so exciting to see it all coming to fruition. It is 7 months away, which worries me slightly because who knows what will happen in those months, but if it is aligned with God’s will, I can’t wait to show up to the start line at Boston.  This date of April 20th excites me because it gives me a clear indicator of something to train for and it will help pull me out of my current off-season.

All this to say, set big goals for yourself.  Chase after them wholeheartedly, but don’t be afraid to adjust along the way.  Don’t be afraid to run slow to eventually run fast. Don’t be afraid to run less to eventually run more.  It is so easy to let the dreams and goals take over. It is easy to feel like we should push, push, push. But we all need an off-season.  We ultimately, need to slow down.

Off-Seasons are for Everyone

This relates to you if you are a runner or not. We need time away from high intensity and high output. We need a season that is off. If you are like me, you will keep running, keep doing the thing that you love, but it will not takeover your days in quite the same way it does when you are in the peak of training.  These off-seasons are tough because it feels like too slow and too low, but I firmly believe it is these times that will ultimately allow for big things to happen for later seasons to come.  

motherhood

Alive in Your Calling

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Have you ever had a day or a week where you were struck with a deep feeling in your bones that you were doing exactly what you were made to do? Trust me, I have a lot of days of doubt.  A lot of days where I question if the Lord wants more from me.  If he wants me to do this mothering thing, alongside a full-time career.  There are definitely moments, days, conversations that make me wonder. Amidst this doubt, I am occasionally hit with the unshakeable feeling that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

There was no big event that happened last week that woke me up to my calling, but it was the stringing along of ordinary moments, like singing at mommy and me class and hosting fun baby play dates at our house that made me realize: I was made for this.

Mother and baby at the beach
“What do you do for work?” This. This is what I do.

Oh, I Just Stay At Home

Being a stay-at-home mom is a tricky subject.  It is tricky because I am fully aware that it is a privilege.  Not everyone has a choice. I know there are plenty of mamas that would love to stay at home, but the extra income is a necessity.  Or, they are a single mama and their job is the sole income providing for their family.  Even as I type this, I sense myself holding back and overthinking the words to say.  I really don’t want to step on toes. The main point here is that I am fully aware that we all are living our own stories with our own sets of pressures.  I can only really write from where I currently am and that is at home. I feel thankful to be in a position that it is possible for me to stay at home. This is a big deal, and I do my best to not take it for granted. 

There is a lot of unspoken misunderstandings between the two camps: working mamas and at home mamas.  This makes me sad, but I think there is a lot of internal judgement and comparison. And I think it is absolutely felt on both sides.  Again, I can only speak from my perspective, but I feel pretty certain that working mamas struggle with not being able to have the same type of experiences or involvement as those that are at home. 

Baby and smiling mother outside
Thankful.

Own Your Story; No Need to Fabricate

On the flip side, SAHMs can feel like they are not doing enough. I have had countless conversations with people (all with good intent) that ask me when or if I plan on going back to work. I know it is unintentional, but this question often feels like a judgement.  It often feels like all the work I am doing within the home is somehow not enough. I have found myself in this past year making up stories of intentions of returning to work soon. I find myself telling them about how I had a few substitute teaching jobs last school year, as if they need to know that I am doing more than just staying home.

Especially when I talk to other working moms, I have felt this pressure to communicate my heart of eventually returning to my teaching job.  But here is the thing, I am not certain this is where I feel called. I really wish I could own my story better and not feel like I need to fabricate things to connect better to the woman I am speaking to.

Staying At Home IS a Full-Time Job!

Most people can acknowledge that staying at home with kids is a lot of work.  While I think a lot of people can recognize the tremendous amount of work and value that comes with being at home with your kiddos, I believe there is still a lot of underlying assumptions.  Since we don’t have a typical 9-5, people can easily assume that we are the perfect people to take on x, y, and z.

A stay-at-home mom works many job throughout the day. She’s a nurse, chauffeur, chef, teacher, playmate, housekeeper, laundry attendant, accountant, and babysitter all rolled into one.

What Does a Stay-At-Home Mom Do All Day, Apryl Duncan, VeryWellFamily

Again, I am writing this with hesitation because I don’t want to step on toes, but I think there is a lot of truth in this.  And it is not a bad thing per se. I feel happy to be in a more flexible position that I can do some extra things I probably would not have been able to do if I was still working outside of the home. The problem is when people assume that we must have the time.  This is where I think there is confusion. In a lot of ways, I feel busier than when I was teaching. I feel more on for my one, little toddler, than I did for 100 something students. 

I Should…

A lot of the things that I let slip when I was working, I have fully taken on.  When the floors are messy, I feel a lot of responsibility and guilt for not being on it.  Since my work is within the home, I feel so guilty when the house feels like a chaotic mess.  This is my one job! I should have spotless floors, a fridge fully stocked, and gourmet meals on the table every night.  I should be doing all the extra things. I should be on the board of my MOMS Club. I should be the one volunteering to be in charge of the email list for our year-long mommy and me class.  I should have a foot in every single ministry at church. I should be reaching out to friends more often and sending them letters of encouragement. I should do more for my husband, I mean he is the one fully providing for us.  I should, I should, I should.  

Mother kissing baby at the top of Inspiration Point hike at Will Rogers State Park
These baby days already feel like they are drifting away!

Sweet Daughter,

Man, typing up the above actually made me really sad.  It made me sad because all those things are truly weighing on my heart.  Being a SAHM often feels like it is not enough for the world around me and if I’m honest, sometimes I get caught up in believing this lie.  But here is the truth the Lord reminded me this week: it is enough and I am exactly where He wants me. 

Back to my original question that started off this post: Are you ever struck with a deep sense that you are exactly where you were meant to be?  This past week, I felt like I was living out my calling. It was not glamorous and it did not involve fancy meetings or important conferences. Instead, it involved lots of “the wheels on the bus go round and round.”  I sang a lot of songs last week with Hudson and I read a lot of the same book over and over and I made lots of snacks. And in this place of singing, reading, and making, I felt alive in my calling. I felt the Lord whispering to me all week: Sweet daughter, you are right where I want you.

motherhood

Find Beauty in the Ordinary & Have a Great Weekend!

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After especially busy seasons, slow weekends are best friends.  This past weekend was similarly sweet and mellow like the past weekend I wrote about. I want to put this into words so I don’t forget. I am feeling just so thankful right now.  Life feels simple and peaceful and quiet, and I know this won’t last forever, but I am really loving this particular season of life.

Hudson is at a stage that I am absolutely adoring.  If you have read even just a handful of my past posts, you should have the idea that the newborn stage was a struggle to say the least for me. I feel much more comfortable in this stage of making snacks, taking him to mommy and me classes, and chasing him about the house. I was unprepared for the very early stages. Not to say that that time is not precious and sweet and special, but I am really loving this toddler season.

Toddler boy wearing Hurley T-shirt with leather sandals at the park
There are those adorable leather sandals that he sported the next day at the…park!

The Leather Sandal Incident

Just yesterday, Hudson came up to me holding a pair of sandals he has yet to wear.  These sandals gathered dust because I assumed they were still too big for his little feet. Yesterday, he decided he was ready for them. He showed me them and tapped his foot with them.  Such a simple thing, but this moment struck me. I thought it was one of the most darling things.  He has desires and grand ideas, like wearing his cool leather sandals in the house just because. I love watching his brain churn.  I love watching his little quirks develop. And I love the fact that he can communicate with me.

Along with the sandal tapping, Hudson has been signing “please,” “more,” and “all done.”  I can now tell him, “say please” or “how do we ask for something we want?”. Hudson greets me with a smile and a hand over his chest. This melts my heart in a certain type of way. I love that he can ask politely for things without even a word.  I love that he can tell us when he is all done and ready to get out of his high chair. This early stage of communication is a lot of fun and I eagerly await for the words to begin to flow. So far the vocabulary looks something like this: “mom,” (which is always said in association with something he wants) “dada,” (which is usually said when he is happy and having fun) “ba” = ball, “na”=Nala, our dog.

Journal to Find Beauty in the Ordinary

I have become obsessed with a journaling concept I recently heard about on Emily P. Freeman’s podcast “The Next Right Thing.”  I am linking to that particular episode here. She talks about how when she is feeling overwhelmed with the demands of everyday life, she grounds herself by writing down lists called “These Are The Days Of.”  Under this title she lists the things that are currently happening in her life. This is such a simple, little exercise, but I think it is genius. It is genius in the sense that it gives us space to actually name what is going on in our life.

It is amazing how the most beautiful, yet ordinary things of our days so easily slip by us if we don’t take the time to intentionally jot it down.  This scares me! I don’t want to forget the beautifully ordinary elements of my days. This is why writing is such an important part of my days. It is why I journal in the mornings and persist in keeping up this little blog. Your perspective, your story, the ordinary elements of your day are sacred.  They are strung together by the greatest storyteller of all time, the Lord, and He wants us to share it. He wants us to tell about the seemingly ordinary, yet holy, beautiful, and sacred aspects of our days. So, I am sharing. I am logging them down for you to read because I believe it is important, no matter how small.

These Are The Days Of…

  1. Beach days
  2. Chasing Hudson as he runs toward the ocean, completely fearless
  3. Baby friends and mom friends
  4. The park 
  5. Homestate lunch dates with daddy 
  6. Farmer’s Markets
  7. Cinnamon rolls on Sundays
  8. 15-months 
  9. Planting plumeria in a blue planter
  10. Water diapers and sprinklers in the backyard
  11. Watching the grass grow, literally 
  12. Trying new things 
  13. Finding confidence in motherhood
  14. Fighting hard against comparison, daily
  15. Wondering if Hudson will be the crazy, misbehaved one in school
  16. Also wondering, if he will be drafted to the MLB before college; he has an arm!
  17. Leather sandals
  18. The park, again
  19. Capturing milestones with signs
  20. Registering for The Boston Marathon!
  21. Checking out 11 library books 

Poetic, right?  I love this exercise because it gets me to literally just list out what is going on in my life.  When I read that list back, I am amazed by the beauty in it. This is just our life right now. This is literally what is going on.  And if I am honest, most days, I don’t stop to let the beauty of it all sink in. Instead I spend a lot of time wondering if I am doing enough, as I mindlessly clean the baseboards and compare my mom life to the lives of the busy, important friends I see all around me.  I need to stop. I need to make my “These Are The Days Of…” list. I need to give space to the abundant blessings in my life, even though there are days where I feel pretty small and unimportant.

Toddler boy play with water sprinklers in the backyard
These are the days of backyard sprinklers & water diapers.

Your Story Matters- Own It!

This post is a little all over the place, but this is just what is on my heart, currently. I hope you can find encouragement in it.  I hope you can remember that your ordinary days of the park, library, and sprinklers in the backyard matter. It is easy to get lost in the stacks of laundry, sticky floors, and that feeling that you are always at a park.  It is easy to forget these ordinary days of correcting, feeding, cleaning, creating, and loving are in fact poetry. If you are overwhelmed and exhausted, do me a favor. Take 5 minutes. Write down the ordinary elements of yours days. Then, read it slowly and thoughtfully back to yourself. Let it set in. Let the ordinary moments hold space in your heart and let gratitude take over.

Each of our lists are likely going to vary quite a bit, but this variance does not change our status as moms or wives or sisters.  The Lord has a unique list and story mapped out for us, it might not look like the mom who is seemingly doing it all, but it is ours.  Let’s own it, more.

Wellness

6 Simple, Daily Choices that Made My Week Better

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This past week was a good week. And it was actually the simplest things that made it good. Nothing revolutionary. Just intentional, simple, daily choices. This is a concept I often think about. How seemingly small choices can make a day, a week, a year, and I am going to go as far as say a whole life.

Emily P. Freeman’s “The Next Right Thing” is a podcast I have recently been devouring. I love Emily’s podcast for a lot of reasons: her soothing voice, short yet largely informative episodes, and mostly for the fact that she is a resource full of amazing wisdom. She is wise and reflective. I think we could all learn a thing or two from listening to her podcast. Anyway, a lot of what she talks about is how the process of decision-making is so important because it is the decisions we make that inform the life we live.

When it comes to making decisions, I am an incredibly indecisive person. I am always the last one to order at a restaurant. I always overthink my ice cream order, then end up with the same thing I always do: a strawberry cone. I scroll through amazon, obsessively read reviews, add things to my cart, and then remove them and then add it once more. I could go on and on. Making decisions is not my strong suit. So, “The Next Right Thing” podcast is helping me. It is reminding me that I don’t need to always be thinking 5 steps ahead. I can be present and just focus in on what truly my next right step is. It could be as simple as taking the time to actually make myself a grown-up lunch, and not settle for those dino chicken nuggets. This is such a small choice I can make in my pretty ordinary days, but it does have the power to transform my perspective, mood, and attitude.

This week was good because I intentionally made a few very small decisions. There is so much I still need to learn about myself, but I am slowly beginning to catch on to the things that help me, and the things that easily trip me up. Listed below are the 6 things I have identified as the very things I need in my life on a daily basis. Again, we aren’t talking about anything extravagant or expensive. Literally, it is as simple as getting up early and sitting down in the afternoon to read. Sometimes the difference between a good and bad day is just a few very minor adjustments.

1. Rise Early

I have written about this before and you can read more about that here. I am a big believer that waking up early is one of the best decisions you can make for yourself all day. Depending on your personality it could also be one of the hardest decisions. By waking up before Hudson, I give myself the time to wake up to the day in a quiet and calm state. I often do not feel very good as I step out of bed. My brain is often flooded with excuses the moment I wake up at this early 5 am hour. And the thing is, sometimes those excuses win. I find that when I get out of my normal routines when on trips, it is more difficult to get back into the swing of waking up early. After the marathon and our family trip to Maui, I had about a month of not getting up early. I felt so tired from the past month of miles and travel, that I convinced myself that I needed extra sleep. Therefore, I would just wake up when Hudson woke up. The result? Not good. The month of August was definitely a slump month for me. I felt tired all the time. I felt incredibly unmotivated (you will notice that my posts on here have not been as consistent). And mostly I just felt like not enough.

It is not like waking up early is some magical solution, but I remembered this week the power in making this first choice. All week I have gotten up early, sometimes at 5 am, sometimes closer to 5:40, but everyday this week I have had at least a solid 30-minutes of time to wake up. And let me tell you, it makes all the difference.

2. Open Bible

After I get coffee, I jot down a few key things that happened the day before, and then I open my Bible. I need this to be the first thing I consume in the day, along with coffee of course. My days absolutely start off shaky if I choose Instragram over the Word. There are days where I fall short, but I try to always read the Bible before anything else begins. Sometimes it is multiple chapters, sometimes it is just a few verses. This simple act of choosing to open and read God’s word is more powerful than choosing to make your bed. Making your bed is a good habit, but it will not literally transform you from the inside out like the living word of God will.

3. Journal

This is a new one that I added this week. I have always been the diary-keeping, journal-writing type of girl. Except here is the thing, if you were to go through the numerous notebooks I have kept over the years, you would notice a trend. They are all half-filled. I am really great at starting journals, but rarely do I stay consistent enough to get to the very last page. When I get back on a journaling kick, I often want a fresh start, so hence the many half-filled notebooks that I have stuffed in my bedside table. I want this half-filled notebook phase to end. I want to be the person that fills up an entire notebook before moving on to the next one. The only way I will get to this point is if I treat the act of journaling as habitual of a routine as taking vitamins or brushing my teeth.

Just like I must consume the word of God first, I then must output the feelings and questions and anxieties of my heart. The pages of my notebooks, along with the ever-present ear of the Lord, is my personal sounding board. When I journal honestly, I see things more clearly. This week, in my early morning journaling, I used this time to pray to God. I sometimes struggle with prayer early in the morning. I easily lose focus and the words are more difficult for me to vocalize. Prayer through writing just makes more sense to me. For you, it might look very different, but find a mode of output that allows you to gain a sense of clarity, peace, and connection before the chaos of the day begins.

4. Exercise

After the marathon, I basically stopped running again. And let me tell you, my body felt this break. I often complain about the hard work of running, but the truth is, I am not very kind when I don’t run regularly. Even if it is just a few easy miles, my body, mind, and heart need it. I need the rhythm, the space, the quiet that running creates for me. Even though I rarely feel like it, after a run or a yoga class, I always feel more motivated and inspired. I almost always think of my best ideas when I am out on a run. Running gives me a greater capacity to show patience and love to the people in my life. I am a better overall mother, wife, sister, friend, and daughter, the more I carve out space to run or go to that 6 pm barre class. Last week was my first week back to exercising every day except Sunday, and my mood was the best it has been all month. There is something to breathing hard and sweating daily.

5. Read

I started 2019 off with the goal to read at least one new book per month. I know for some this might not be that much, but for me that was an ambitious goal. And the truth is, I began to read less as the year went on. This week I changed this trajectory and I started my habit of daily reading again. This all happened two Wednesday evenings ago when I felt exhausted from the day and needed some alone time. So, I left the house and I drove to the library. I know, a slightly strange place to retreat to, but for some reason it felt right. Here in this tired, worn out, and slightly discouraged state, I stumbled upon Imperfect Courage by Jessica Honegger. The Lord led me to this book. It is the perfect combination of being a good, faithful woman, while also not being afraid to chase after our God-given ambition and passion. I am loving it. I also find that reading books like these help make me feel more connected and inspired. I almost always notice that my writing comes more naturally the more I read.

Reading is just another small, daily choice that makes a huge impact in my days. The choice to intentionally sit outside and read while Hudson naps is also a way that I force myself to rest. This one act allows me to get off my feet and just take in words without any other agenda. Not to mention, our dog Nala loves when I choose to read because I am able to also throw the tennis ball for her!

6. Plan

This is such a small thing, but the weeks that I take time to plan out, are so much better than the ones I don’t. I go a little crazy when we stay at home. I also easily become stuck with trying to figure out what to do the day of when I don’t plan ahead. This week I got back into a rhythm of loosely planning out my week on Sunday evening. I quickly jot down the days I will run and how many miles. I write down a few days that I will intentionally make time to escape by myself and make it into a yoga class. I write down a few major household tasks. And I look at our MOMS Club calendar and pencil in a couple playdates or text some mom friends and create playdates. This does not take much time at all, but it gives me so much clarity as I go to sleep Sunday night. I can wake up Monday morning and feel like I am waking up to a schedule and routine. I know what is ahead. There are things to do, people to see, and places to go.

Hopefully that all was not too boring. I wanted to specifically write this out because these few small choices, while definitely not revolutionary, are really making a big difference in my overall outlook and mood. It is amazing what these consistent and simple behaviors can do to a day, a week, a year, and yes a whole life. I am curious, what are your go-to daily choices? Comment below!

motherhood

Long Weekends Are Friends

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While most weekends seem to literally just fly by and escape me, last weekend in particular seemed to hang around for a while and it was just what I needed. It actually felt long in the best possible way. Most weekends for us always seem to have a pretty lengthy agenda. Things to do, places to go, people to see. This weekend definitely still had some of that, but for some reason or another, there also felt like there was a ton of white space. There was a lot of down time, rest, breathing, dreaming, no agenda. And let me tell you, that is some of my favorite types of time. I even went to a spa by MYSELF! Yes, alone, just me and the steam room. If I were to say it was naturally just lovely, I would actually be lying because the truth is, it was uncomfortable for me. I truly had to push myself out the door to go and when I got there, I literally almost left. Little to my knowledge, bathing suits were not allowed in this particular spa. I am assuming this is a thing for most, if not all Korean spas. I was unaware. I went in with my securely tied pink and black suit, with zero intentions of needing to take it off. Here’s the thing, I am incredibly private. This is part of the reason I had SO much trouble breastfeeding in public. I like my privacy. I like bathing suits in spas. This really could be an entire story on its own, but here is the mildly shortened version. I did not leave the spa, even though every part of me wanted to. I felt incredibly out of my comfort zone. I walked into a spa that felt culturally unfamiliar to me. But, I took a deep breath, held the towel tightly around me, and tried to get into the hot tub as discreetly as possible. It was almost like that hot tub warmed me up, and I eventually got over my fears and was able to actually relax. I made a little circuit from the hot tub to the cold pool to the steam room and then back to the cold pool. I did this circuit over and over again, occasionally switching out steam room for the sauna.

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Late Saturday afternoon pool time. Hudson loves throwing the ball to Nala Girl.

Will I go back to this bathing suit-less spa? No, probably not. Not my thing. I prefer having a secure suit around me, but here’s the thing that is important: I made the best of this situation that felt uncomfortable to me. I am quite aware of the privilege in this story. Oh no, poor thing, what a hard life, she had to endure a spa day without a bathing suit. I get it. This may sound silly to you, and it kind of is, but I still think there is value to it. It is not always going to manifest itself in the form of a Korean Spa, but daily I am faced with situations where I need to push myself out of comfort zones. If I am honest, I am pretty comfortable just at home, not needing to interact with people, or put myself out there through an email, an ask or a proposal. Lets just be real honest, life is so much easier in our comfort zones. It is so much easier to just type and type, but never hit publish. It is so much easier to complain about how I never get time to myself, but then not do anything about it, even when I have a kind husband that encourages me to take time. It is so much easier to pull out all the toys at home and not venture out on that playdate to the park you have never been and the moms you have never met. Especially for someone like me that craves safety, routine, and control, life is just easier in the comfort zone. I am very aware that the Lord wants more for me. He wants me to push myself. He wants me to get more comfortable with being uncomfortable. He wants to refine me. And the best way He will do this is if I am willing to get more uncomfortable. All this to say, I am proud of my spa day and thankful for my husband that gave me this gift of time alone. I needed it. Once I finally got into my little rhythm of the circuit I created, I ended up enjoying myself. I even laughed with other women about plunging into the cold pool. I let go and I was able to relax. I even got some writing in, as I headed up to the second floor, that was co-ed, so thankfully required a baggy orange and gray outfit. So in my orange gym shorts that went past my knees, I wrote. I munched on Sour Patch Kids and I wrote from a heart of gratitude. Even when I step away by myself for a couple hours, I can see with clear vision the incredible amount of blessings the Lord has surrounded me with. I am so grateful.

Toddler eating doughnut at Randy's Doughnuts
Sundays are for Randy’s Doughnuts

On a very different note, the rest of the weekend was filled with time with family, Sunday morning doughnut trips, BBQs, walks and runs along the beach, long drives and good podcasts, and a little bit of dreaming of things to come with my sweet husband. This weekend actually did feel long. It felt restful and fun and carefree. It felt simple and good. It is amazing how just one extra day off can really make a world of a difference. That extra Monday was very much needed after what felt like an entire summer of non-stop hustle. I loved our summer. It was a ton of fun. We did a lot, saw a lot, traveled a lot. My extra tanned skin and Hudson’s bleached and highlighted hair is our proof. We lived this summer well. We took in lots of sun and had numerous ocean dunks. As much as I have loved this summer, I am ready for slower fall days. I am ready for staying inside more. I am ready for less travel and more time at home. Our fall is still relatively full as we are starting a couple mommy and me classes next week, but I actually really look forward to this routine. I look forward to steady schedules and cooler weather and of course, more sweaters and nitro cold brews with pumpkin cream.

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So thankful for this family of ours

toddler eating with Pluto character at Goofy's Kitchen at Disneyland Hotel
motherhood

Disneyland with a Toddler: 5 Things They Will Love

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On Monday, Hudson had his second trip to Disneyland!  He had a blast, slept for a total of 30-minutes, and was on a sugar rush for most of the day.  I wrote about our first trip to Disneyland with Hudson when he was almost 11-months, which you can read here.  That first trip was still a lot of fun, but now Disneyland is way more fun.  A lot has changed with Hudson in those 4 months.  Since our last time at Disneyland, he is now walking, using sign language to communicate his needs, and honestly just a whole lot more fun.  His level of excitement and interest over rides and especially the characters was so fun to watch. Hudson would literally cry every time it was time to say goodbye to the character we were visiting.  He loved Eeyore, Tiger, Buzz, Goofy, Pluto, Minnie, and the Chipmunks. He literally would attempt to walk back up to them and break up their time with the other little kids. As a parent, it was so fun to see the pure awe and joy of the Disneyland experience through the eyes of our crazy, little toddler.  I am pretty sure I had a similar line in my previous Disney post, but now at almost 15-months, the awe and joy and amazement is in full-force. If you are a parent with a baby and are debating the right time to take your little one to Disney, I think this toddler time is the perfect time. If your baby is younger than a year, I would wait even just a few months.  So much will happen in the matter of 4-5 months. It is worth the wait. Of course you can take your little, little baby, but if you are looking to really see them get super excited and into the rides and characters, I think that 15-month mark is the perfect time. We had such a fun time with Hudson’s Nanny and Poppy, even though we definitely missed daddy as he was away on a work trip. Last post on Disney, I gave tips on traveling to Disney with a baby.  Today, I want to give you my top 5 things to do in Disneyland + California Adventures with a toddler. Side note, this is through the experience of what Hudson (15-months) really loved and enjoyed. Obviously all babies are different and what really appealed to little H, might not be your little one’s thing. Adjust accordingly! 

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One of the many sugar-filled things Hudson ate on our Disneyland trip!

1. Meal with Characters

We went to Goofy’s Kitchen and Hudson had the very best time.  These character meals are super expensive, but it is the perfect setting for your toddler to get in some really special moments with the characters.  Hudson’s Nanny and Poppy were with us and it was their idea to go. Initially I was worried that after barely napping all day, Hudson would have a meltdown, but it was actually the opposite. He loved all the food, which is very much tailored with the taste buds of kids in mind. His favs were probably the Mac n Cheese, PB & J pizza (yes, pizza), and the raspberry cream puffs.  Let’s just say, Hudson had a cheat day. Not only did he love munching on all the yummy options, he loved all the characters coming up to greet him. He was waving and clapping all over the place. At one point, he got so excited when all the characters were doing a dance in the middle of the restaurant that I put him down and he literally walked right up to one of the chipmunks (Chip or Dale, not sure which) and started clapping and dancing. Of course I didn’t have my phone to capture the moment, but the cuteness of that memory will never fade.  

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Hudson loved his time hanging out with the characters at Goofy’s Kitchen!

2. The Tiki Room + Dole Whip

Of course, Hudson loved all the moving rides we went on (some of his favs of the day included: the rockets, Dumbo, Nemo, Alice in Wonderland, and Winnie the Pooh); however, no ride captured his enthusiasm quite as much as the Tiki Room.  Hudson is currently obsessed with birds and points them out anytime we are out, so that was probably a large reason he loved it. This little 15-minute show really is the perfect thing to do with a toddler. The color, the music, the lights, and of course the talking birds and plants make this a toddler’s dream.  As you wait to enter the show or on your way out, you should grab a dole whip and let your little one have a few bites. This was a huge hit for Hudson. 

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Waiting for his dole whip and talking birds with his nanny!

3. Jessie’s Critter Carousel (DCA)

While California Adventures is very much limited on baby rides, there is one that was a huge hit for little H: Jessie’s Critter Carousel.  This ride is literally just a merry-go-round, but instead of the typical horses there are fun animals like turtles, bunnies, and skunks. The funny thing is Hudson typically hates riding on merry-go-rounds, but for some reason he loved this one. I have a few theories.  It is much slower than a typical merry-go-round and the music is more Wild, Wild West-like. Whatever it was, Hudson loved this ride. So much so that immediately when it stopped he signed “more” and then began to cry as I had to pull him off his little, green turtle. We then went immediately back through the line and popped him back on and the happiness was restored.  As I am learning daily, it is often the simplest things that satisfy and entertain Hudson. If you are over in California Adventures, I would definitely take your little one on this ride.

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Of course the simple merry-go-round was one of Hudson’s very favorite rides!

4. Redwood Creek Challenge Trail (DCA)

This one is a bit unexpected, but this challenge trail is actually the perfect setting for your energy-filled toddler.  Obviously parts of this course are not suited for toddlers, (the tire zip-line, rock wall, and netted bridges) but Hudson thoroughly enjoyed running around, sliding, and exploring in the cave.  We spent a good amount of time here and Hudson was so happy. He was giggling and running all about. As a parent, this is the perfect setting to take a break. There are picnic benches and rocks that make good seats.  It is also a beautiful setting and you actually feel like you are in a Redwood forest. This is the perfect place to break up the day and give your little one some time out of the stroller.

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Hudson loved his free time roaming through caves and crawling through tunnels.

5. Toddler Meals

Who knew this was a thing?  I am not sure how many places within the parks offer it, but Rancho Del Zocalo, in Frontierland, offers the regular kid’s meals, but they also have a toddler meal option.  This is 2 dollars less than a kid’s meal and is the perfect size for a picky toddler. Right now, kid’s meals are too big for Hudson, so this toddler meal option was the perfect alternative.  It came with a small serving of beans and rice, a Go-Go Squeeze pack, and a milk or apple juice. The perfect meal size for our little guy.  

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Hudson was extra shy around his very favorite character, Buzz!

Disneyland is a blast, but the magic really does increase when you get to experience it all through the eyes of your toddler.  This is such a fun age that Hudson is entering. Yes, there are some challenges, the tantrums and food throwing are at an all-time high right now, but it mostly is fun.  The world really is opening up to Hudson and as his mom, it is so fun to watch him delight in it all. Hudson will definitely not remember this trip, but I can’t wait to show him the pictures and tell him about how he walked up to Chip or Dale and clapped and danced and basically had his best day ever.

motherhood

San Diego with Auntie

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Since our New York trip at the end of May, life has felt especially hectic. It has mostly been filled with a lot of good things, but it has felt like we have been bouncing from one thing to the next. From New York to San Francisco to Hawaii in the matter of a few months, it has felt like we have been all over. Along with travel, we have been dealing with big changes related to Hudson. He has been going through a rough teething patch. Along with intense teething, baby boy is walking all over the place. It has been a slow process of small attempts at walking and lots of falling. While it felt like a process, it really seemed to all come together over night. One day he was crawling and stumbling, and the next, he was confidently waking all over our living room, like he owned the place. Time is just going a bit too quickly for this mama.


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Beach time at Coronado. How cute are his little curls? 


Our final big thing of the summer is Lance’s work trip to Banff. While this one doesn’t involve me, it has meant a few days with just Hudson Boy. And if I’m being 100% honest, I was not jumping up and down about Lance leaving. I wish I could type here that I was the most supportive wife and that I secretly packed a love note in his bag for him to find and that I lovingly encouraged him to enjoy his time away. I so wish to one day be this type of wife, but currently, I am not quite there. Instead, I was passive and reserved. I made little digging comments like, oh, it must be nice to get away, with all the intentions to make him feel bad. How awful? This trip is for work. He has to go. Yet, in my jealous nature, I made him feel bad about obligations and travel that are out of his control. I hate admitting all this, but it’s the truth and I’m committed to only honesty when it comes to the words I publish on this little blog of mine. While this is where I’m at, I can sense the Lord working on my heart these past few days since Lance has gone away. While two days ago, I was dealing with a heart bent on jealousy and selfishness, now I sense my heart is mostly just grateful. Time away from your spouse can actually be a very good thing. For Lance and I, we do most things together outside of the time he is working. I love this about our relationship. I love how he is so committed to spending much of his outside working time with us. With this; however, comes dependence on him. Lance is such a hands-on and present father that when he leaves, it feels especially hard. All this to say, it can be a good thing to be apart for a few days and be reminded of how much I cherish the time we do spend together. It can also be a very important time to reset and become more dependent on the Lord than my husband. In just the two days Lance has been gone, I have cried out to the Lord for help way more than I typically do. It is easy to become dependent on the people in our lives, but the Lord longs for us to solely depend on Him. While I desperately miss my sweet husband, what a special gift to be reminded of the closeness of the Lord.

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Always worth the toy trade-in for the ice cream cone.

I also have sensed this feeling of gratefulness in the time I have gotten to spend with my sister. Hudson and I made the drive to visit her in new apartment in San Diego yesterday and we got back this evening. While it was extra exhausting chasing Hudson everywhere and dealing with him being out of his normal routine, it was a good couple days. It was days filled with Chick-Fil-A ice cream cones, meltdowns in HomeGoods, Mexican food on the beach in Coronado, morning walks to coffee, marching bands and cheerleaders, overfed turtles in the coy pond, and a day at the zoo. By no means was it perfect. I am finding out daily, how things don’t become any easier when you have a toddler. In ways my life feels more crazy now than it did a year ago. I feel more exhausted now, even though I get way more sleep. It is a whole new level of tiredness. Hudson no longer just lays there. He has a mind of his own. He wants to test things and ultimately, he wants to do things his own way. I know this will just increase and things will just get crazier. But here’s the thing, I’m loving it. Not all the time, but mostly I am. I love the crazy. And he does drive me crazy, but he also makes me laugh and he fills my heart with just so much joy. Minus the HomeGoods meltdown and him literally screaming at the top of his lungs for 30 minutes of our 3-hour drive home, Hudson’s craziness filled me with joy. From the way he fell in love with his ice cream cone to the way he became so attached to the animals in the exhibit, that he cried each time we had to say “buh bye.” This boy has his quirks for sure, but don’t we all? It is easy to get frustrated with the crazy, but this little time away with him in San Diego reminded me the beauty in the crazy. With fresh eyes, I was able to see this little boy before me that is incredibly affectionate and sensitive. He longs to make connections whether that be with the little girl a couple years older than him in the line at Starbucks to the meerkats at the zoo. He loved these little meerkats way more than the big, cool animals, like the elephants and lions. And I love this about him. He notices the small things. He loves the exhibits most people rush past. I think we could all learn a thing or two from the way Hudson views the world.


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My attempts at trying to get him to love elephants when what he really wanted was the meerkats!



If you’re still with me, this is what I want you to get out of all of this. 1. Time outside of your normal routine can be a very good thing. It can give you fresh eyes. It can remind you the beautiful life you do have even in the days that feel rather ordinary. It can allow you to make connections with those you don’t typically get the chance to. And even better, it can grow a greater closeness with the Lord. 2. Sisters are the best and I am so proud of mine. I know the above was mostly about Hudson’s craziness, but I loved seeing my sister’s new space. I feel so proud of her and love watching her grow into this amazingly kind, generous & independent lady. I am going to miss her a lot, but the couple days I spent with her showed me that she will be just fine. More than fine, she will thrive. 3. Toddler life is messy and loud and crazy. We are entering a totally different stage with Hudson. And like I have repeatedly mentioned, it’s a bit crazy. Just look at my diaper bag and stained jeans. I don’t have much together. My bag is overflowing with diapers and random half-finished snacks and I can never seem to find my keys. My jeans are covered in the rice and beans Hudson was eating with his hands as he was sitting on my lap. Despite all of the mess and the screaming, there is no place I would rather be.


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We love you, auntie! Thanks for a fun couple days. 

 

motherhood

5 Things I Wish I Knew About Weaning

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Mamas, let’s talk about weaning. 

Weaning is something that seems to not be as talked about.  There seems to be an abundance of information surrounding the early days of breastfeeding; however, I have found that there seems to be less out there when it comes to weaning.  Why? Not totally sure, but I have a few guesses. The weaning experience is felt very differently depending on when you choose to wean. Weaning your baby at 8-months is very different from weaning your baby at 14-months.  The experience is also going to be different based on how regularly you nursed. Weaning a baby that is already used to occasionally drinking bottles is very different from the baby that exclusively breastfed 6-8 times a day.  This large variety in experience when it comes to weaning could be the reason some of the challenges are not regularly discussed. Just like our individual relationship with breastfeeding is unique, how we experience weaning is too. 

I am coming from the perspective of weaning after a year.  I am also coming from the perspective of having a baby that only nursed (Hudson refused bottles).  Not only was Hudson exclusively breastfed, I would nurse him really whenever he wanted. Fell and hit his head? Nurse. Can’t fall asleep? Nurse.  Teething? Nurse. Fussy on the airplane? Nurse. Nursing was the answer to most of our troubles. It really did feel like a superpower. While breastfeeding was initially the source of a lot of anxiety and doubt, it eventually became this thing that gave me a lot of confidence.  It was this power that only I had to instantly calm and comfort him. Little did I know how much of a loss it would be for the both of us when it came time to give it up.

Weaning has brought a sense of freedom and independence that I have been missing for over a year. I feel like I have my body back, even though it feels changed and slightly depleted.  With this sense of freedom, there is also a great deal of loss and change I am still adjusting to. This season of weaning is proving to be much more challenging than I expected. A year ago, I looked forward to being done with the woes of breastfeeding, but now I have a deep-pitted sadness for a bond and season that has fleeted away.  If I am being fully honest, I am still mourning this loss. If you are rolling your eyes right now and think I am being dramatic, I get it. That is how I felt a year ago when I heard people talk about breastfeeding with such affection and longing. It did not make sense to me why mothers missed this season of bloody nipples, 2 am nursing sessions, and leaky boobs.  Was I missing something? I was in the very early stages of breastfeeding and the idea of not needing to nurse, seemed like the best life. I could drink wine again. I could eat ice cream and cheese again. I could make my food as spicy as I wanted. I could be gone for more than a few hours. I could wear buttons and all my dresses again. My July self a year ago dreamed about this season.  Now that I have my hands full of wine and Brie cheese, I can’t shake this feeling of wanting to go back to those 2 am nursing sessions. Isn’t that funny how life works?   

So, if you are beginning to wean your baby or are currently in the process of weaning, here are a few things to know, that I really wish I was more prepared for.

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  1. Post-weaning Depression is Real 

Unfortunately, there is not a ton of research out on post-weaning depression, but it is very much a thing.  When you stop nursing, there is a decrease in levels of prolactin and oxytocin.  Both of these hormones are largely responsible for feelings of happiness and well-being.  It only makes sense that when you stop nursing, you will feel some of the effects. This is just the scientific reason behind the sadness.  There is so much more going on than just a shift in hormones. For me, it had a lot to do with suddenly feeling not as needed. Especially as a stay-at-home mom, who nursed like it was her full-time job (it was!), stopping, felt like losing my purpose.  Think about how people feel when they lose a job. For me personally, and I think this is true for other women as well, the end of nursing felt like being fired from that all-important job you once held. When you break it down like this, it is no wonder that some women have such a difficult time in the post-weaning season.  It is a big change to your body, not only physically, but emotionally as well. Just like with all big life changes, you need to allow for God grace in this season of adjustment

    2. Engorgement Can Happen Again (even if you wean gradually)

This was another surprise for me.  I wrongly assumed that since I was weaning after a year-old and I weaned relatively gradually for a month before stopping cold turkey that I would not experience any painful engorgement.  Turns out, I was wrong. Even though I slowly removed feedings for an entire month, the week after the last time I nursed, I was painfully engorged. Especially if you were someone that was still nursing relatively frequently past a year, it is more likely that your milk supply will still be in good measures.  So, if you plan on weaning, try to plan it during a time that you don’t have as much going on. I made the rookie move of weaning the week before I ran my first marathon. This was not the smartest move, and thankfully the engorgement mostly went away by the marathon with the help of hot showers and expression.  You never really know how your body is going to react to this big change, so don’t be like me. Try to wean during a time that is more low key, aka not the week before a marathon! 

      3. You Will Question Yourself

This one seems to be true for me for just about every stage of motherhood, but I was not expecting to question my decision to wean as much as I did.  I had previously made up my mind months previously that I would have Hudson weaned by the end of July, just before he turned 14-months. I had this date set in my mind for a while.  There were clear, logistical reasons I needed to have him weaned. We would be traveling to San Francisco for the race without him, so I wanted to be sure he was fully weaned before we left.  Even though, on paper the timing to wean made sense; I questioned my decision. I had daily battles of wondering if I made the right decision. If this is the right time, why does this feel so hard and unnatural for the both of us.  I wondered if maybe I should go back to nursing, I still had milk once we had returned from our trip. Ultimately, I am happy I stuck with my original decision. Currently, we both are well-adjusted, but through the process of weaning, I desperately wanted to return to our old ways.  For you, maybe it was easy to stick to your guns, but if you also are struggling and questioning if you are making the right decision; trust your instincts and don’t compare. You deep down know what is best for the both of you.  

     4. Your Baby Might Take it Hard 

How your baby responds to the weaning process is again going to vary based on timing and if it is mom’s choice or baby’s.  I know some babies quickly lose interest in nursing. Some; however, seem to cling to the comforts of nursing even more so as they get older.  Hudson is for sure a clinger and weaning for him was difficult and sad. This is largely why #3 was so true for me. The way he cried and tugged on my shirt broke my heart.  I felt so bad to be refusing him something he desperately wanted. Especially if you are weaning after a year, it is more likely that your baby will be more aware of the great loss that has occurred.  I wish I was better prepared to handle the extra tears and increased clinginess that weaning caused in Hudson. There were a stretch of days where he was just having an extra hard time with it. Change is so hard, especially for a little one! The other surprise was that it took him a while to adjust.  It has been nearly a month since I weaned him and when he gets hurt or tired, he still will pull at my shirt. He has not forgotten about our nursing time. He still craves it. I wrongly assumed he would quickly forget and move on. Just like you need to give your body and heart time to adjust, you must also give time to your little one.

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     5. You Are Still A Source of Comfort

This is the one I need to still tell myself.  It felt like I lost my superpower. It felt like I could no longer provide him with the comfort he so desperately wanted. This is not true.  You might not be milky mama anymore, but you will always be mama. I might not nurse anymore, but I am still Hudson’s source for snuggles and hugs and comfort.  For me, it has been helpful to replace all of our nursing time with other activities that still show him I am near and love him. We still spend a lot of time in the glider; it just looks different.  Instead of milk, I am nurturing him with words and songs and laughter. Your nursing relationship might be over, but in reality this is just the beginning of your sweet bond.

Marriage

4 Lessons in 4 Years of Marriage

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Four years ago today I married my very best friend.  And I know that is a cliché that is easy to type up and sounds nice and cute, but I truly mean it.  Before we even started dating or got engaged or got married or had a beautiful baby boy, he was first just a good friend.  He was my favorite person to spend hours at coffee shops with. My favorite person to carpool with to church. I am so thankful that before any of the love began to form, that God was knitting a friendship between our hearts that was built on His perfect love.  This bond built on our shared love of good coffee, running, God, and poetry began in coffee shops as friends. It began with carpooling to church. It began with editing each other’s poems for Maclay’s class. 

Marriage is beautiful, but it also is a lot of hard work.  It takes intentionality, dedication, sacrifice, and humility.   And becoming parents only makes it harder. In a lot of ways, becoming parents has brought us closer than we ever have been, but I would be absolutely not telling the truth if I were to say it was all roses the entire first year with Hudson.  In those early days with Hudson, I was not myself. I cried, yelled, and fought. It wasn’t Lance I was mad at it, but he was the one that was right there to take it. The truth is when you both are living on very minimal sleep and most of your time is dedicated to nursing and worrying about your little one, your marriage will likely take a back seat.  I am thankful that pretty early on in Hudson’s life, we realized that we needed to be even more intentional about putting our marriage first in this particular season. That is where the phrase: I love you more than Hudson, less than God; was born. I am no marriage expert, but I would have to think that part of the reason certain marriages end after all the kids have moved out is because the loves got reordered.  Somewhere along the way the love for the child outweighed the love for the spouse. And through this reordering, love for God, also seemed to fall in ranking. As I type this, I am praying right now, that the loves in my heart can stay in order. I pray to first and foremost, love God the most. Then, Lance. And then, sweet Hudson Boy and any other future children we may have. 

Even though we are just a few years in, these past years have taught me a lot.  Again, our marriage is by no means perfect, but I am proud of who we are becoming and this team we have become.  I look forward to (God Willing) the many, many years ahead and the lessons that will come with it. I would love to be still writing this blog in 46 years and be able to share a “50 lessons in 50 Years of Marriage” post, but for now we are at 4.  So here are my four major lessons I have learned in our first four years of marriage:

 

1. Prioritize Time Together

It was our three year anniversary that we began a new Friday tradition of sharing our rose, bud, and thorn of the week.  While it has not always been on Friday, we have been very consistent with carving out this weekly time and for us, it has been incredibly helpful.  As life continues to get more full and busy, it is essential to have a time every week where we can hit pause and stop and talk about the good, the hopeful, and the hard.  I feel so thankful that we started this weekly rhythm because while it’s sad to admit, I think if we didn’t start this, I would have missed out on knowing the heart of my husband.  I would have missed out on knowing how the small things that happened that week, like a day at the beach, was the rose of his entire week. I would have missed out on knowing why he came home so tired and the true reason we seemed to keep fighting.  I would have missed out on knowing his dreams, ambitions and hopes. While I am sure some of this stuff would have come up over dinners or outings, I don’t think it would have been as clear. It would have been paired with Hudson throwing food everywhere or with other people and noises and distractions. If you don’t intentionally set a weekly and monthly time for just the two of you, it is likely not going to happen.  Just like all good things, it takes planning and prioritizing.

2. Be Clear with Expectations 

It was just a few months after our first anniversary that we had one of our major fights that revolved around cheap wine.  My parents had given Lance and I a pizza cooking lesson. I was really excited for this date and had all these expectations of how the evening would go in my head.  In this cooking lesson you were able to bring your own bottle of wine to sip on as you flipped pizzas in the air and knotted garlic knots. I asked Lance to pick up a bottle of wine for us at Trader Joe’s for us to bring.  I didn’t tell him about any of the expectations I had. I didn’t tell him type or price tag or that I was expecting something a little bit nicer than normal. I just said wine and like the good husband Lance is, he did just that. He bought wine: 2 buck chuck.  Absolutely nothing wrong with 2 buck chuck, but it was not in line with my expectations for that night. To me, that pizza lesson was a special night for us and I wanted something a bit more special. I also was much more immature back then and cared about how people would perceive us if we brought cheap wine to a fancy cooking lesson.  It’s sad, but this wine fiasco made me cry and fight with him basically the entire day leading up to the lesson. I can still remember showing up to the kitchen with red rings around my eyes from crying all day. Thinking back, this feels so small and stupid, but I think if a lot of us our honest, the bulk of our fights are over the small and stupid.  If I had just clearly told Lance, my expectations I had for the wine he bought, none of the 2 buck chuck drama would have occurred. Sometimes all it takes is being incredibly clear. Can you please pick up a bottle of wine that is in-between the 15-30 dollar mark, preferably a Cabernet and if it has a cute label that made you think of me, that would also be a nice touch.  Be clear.  He can’t read your mind. 

3. Cheer Each Other On

One of the many reasons I love the sport of cross-country is because it is such a team sport.  I love how the 5th runner is just as important as the first. I also love that you can set goals for the whole team, but you also have your own individual goals of place and time.  I think in a lot of ways, a good marriage functions like a cross-country team. As a team, Lance and I have a lot of major, shared goals: kids, travel, home, running. Individually, we also have our own goals.  We have our own passions and career goals. This is so important and healthy! When Lance started his first company, I wish I could say I was the most supportive wife, but unfortunately I was not. I was resentful that he got to pursue his passion, while I was left dealing with the stressful job of teaching and was knee deep in essays to grade and behavior issues.  I did not do a very good job at cheering him on. And I regret this. Part of the reason I struggled to fully cheer on my husband was because I was fully consumed with work and was not pursuing any of my own passions. Currently, our marriage feels super healthy and I think that is largely to do with the fact that we both are pursuing our passions outside of work. Not only do we each have our own side projects we are working on, we also just wrapped up training for a marathon together.  This shared goal of completing our first marathon and qualifying for Boston definitely brought us closer together. As I mentioned in my last post on the marathon, it was an amazing feeling to literally be cheering each other on as we passed each other on the bridge.

4. Pray Together (Even When You Don’t Feel Like It) 

They say you shouldn’t go to sleep mad at each other.  I can see the benefit in this, but to be fully honest, sometimes sleep is what is needed for us to resolve an argument the next morning.  We have found that when we do try to resolve something before bed, it often just becomes worse. For us, the phrase that makes more sense is don’t go to sleep without praying together.  Lance prays aloud for us every single night. We have done this from the very beginning of our marriage. The key here is to do this regardless of how you are feeling. If it was up to me and my heart, there would have been many nights where praying together would not have happened due to my own pride and selfishness.  When I am mad, my gut reaction is to turn my back and disengage. When I am mad, praying together is the last thing I want to do. The Lord knew what He was doing when he gave me Lance as a husband. Lance has this amazing ability to do the right thing even when his emotions tell him otherwise. Even on the nights when I turn my back and give him the silent treatment, he flips me over, takes my hand out of my firm angry, arm cross and prays for us.  How thankful I am for a husband that ignores my stubbornness and still is persistent in prayer.  

Happy 4 years, LMC! I am so thankful for our marriage and this beautiful life we are building together.